To all the young women out there, think before you take any life-altering decision- like matrimony! It may all seem butterflies in tummy, lovey-dovey environment, gifts, giggles and all those things that fairy-tales taught us- ‘Happily Ever After!’. But it NEVER is happily ever after . . those things never exist!
Take for instance, ZaariaPatni who almost had a fairy-tale beginning to her matrimony life, but soon she realized she was getting into something that was millions of miles away from fairy-tale.
Her story was published in the facebook page of Humans of Bombay
“His family and my family have lived in the same building for years but since his business was in Bombay and Dubai, I barely saw him. This one day, he asked my driver which college I was studying in, he came there, waited for me to finish class and asked me to coffee. We ended up chatting for an hour that day and I was completely enamoured by him — he was such a charmer! His parents wanted us to marry quickly because he was 7 years older – so at 19 I got married to someone who I thought was the man of my dreams…but he was an asshole.
It started at the honeymoon, where I wasn’t allowed to look anywhere but towards him, wasn’t allowed to enter shops which he didn’t like and was supposed to wear only what he wanted me to. We were to visit our relatives in London, so he asked me to wear a salwaar but no jacket…and I remember freezing. When we went back to Dubai, he didn’t allow me to turn on the AC and if I did in the middle of the night because it was so hot – he would smash my perfumes, candles and upturn my entire wardrobe. He would drive his convertible car at the maximum speed and threaten to throw me out if I ever disobeyed him. Once, in between abusing and screaming at me, he pinned me down, forced himself upon me and 6 months into my wedding I was pregnant. He hid my medicines saying I don’t need them — I was throwing up 30 times a day and all the minerals in my body had drained to the point that I couldn’t stand and that’s when he agreed to take me to the hospital. The nurse there saw me once and said ‘I’ve to take you to the emergency room – and had you come a day later you would return to Bombay in a coffin’. When I went home after those 3 days, he pushed me, I started bleeding and he waited 24 hours to take me back to the hospital. On the hospital slip it said ‘bled yesterday and brought to the hospital today.’
He only let me return home because my parents were at Hajj. When I came home, I asked him if I could stay for a night in my own home instead of his – which he flatly refused. I was talking to my mother on the phone for 15 minutes when he called me 40 times, sent his sister upstairs to snatch my phone and sent me a text saying,’If you return to Dubai, I will rip your ass apart’ in Hindi. That’s when I decided I had enough.
The next 6 years were hell for me. He sent me a legal notice saying he wanted custody of my unborn child, but I would never let that happen. So 30 days after I had delivered and my stitches hadn’t healed – I went to the family court to fight for my son. My son has been to more courtrooms in the first 5 years of his life than most people ever would. He bribed people from the court and the judges to prolong this case and if not for this one police man who understood me and helped me – God knows how much longer I would have to continue my fight. In 2012, my hell was finally over. I won all cases because of that one hospital slip and received nothing in compensation from him or his family. He seemed so normal, but he snatched my innocence away. Please, don’t rush into marriage because so often what people appear to be and who they are, is entirely different. 10 years later, I’ve put it behind me because I have my son and my life is for him. He’s all that matters.”
This is not only a single instance. There are numerous instances like Zaaria’s that go unreported. Which raises the age-old million-dollar question- Is it really important for a woman to marry? Is finding her ‘Prince Charming’ really important for her to survive? Can’t she have her happily ever after alone? Or find her happily ever after when she is ready?
When it comes to a girl being ready for a relationship- no one bats an eye-lid. They (men) all assume that this is what the girls want because they want it too. (That is the honest Indian men mentality). They ‘assume’ that a girl will not ‘reject’ them (in arranged marriage settings) if it is a ‘Yes’ from the groom’s side. Why? Why is it even after ‘Feminism’ has taken the country by a storm, the guys, who ‘show’ their ‘open-minded’ thinking and ‘I-am-OK-with-what-ever-you-decide-for-yourself’ attitude during the few months (sometimes hardly days or weeks) show that kind of patriarchal thoughts that a women is entitled to have her own time to decide what she wants. Whether she is ready for such a long term commitment or not. Why a yes, from the guy’s side should always be a yes from the girl’s as well? A women is always entitled to have her own personal time to decide and ponder, even if it is after the ‘official meeting’, before or after engagement and even before the wedding. If a woman thinks she is not ready- she has to call off the wedding at her convenience without thinking‘ what-society-would-think’ or about ‘parents-ki-izzat’.
Zaaria, was really brave and she didn’t let her determination sway even after long court-room escapades. She emerged as an inspiration to all those women who want to live life according to their wishes and for themselves. Her story did give us all a little dating advice tip: Date, court, talk, fight, live-in for a longer time – do whatever you want to before deciding whether the guy whom your parents selected for you is worth your entire life, because you need to know what is it you are getting yourself into!
Agree, marriage provides ‘security’, but what about YOUR individuality? YOUR confidence?YOUR career?YOUR life?YOUR status? Mere being a Mrs ‘someone’ is NOT going to be your identity; even while you are referred to as a Mrs ‘Someone’ you are known by your husband’s identity, not yours. This competitive world has no place for a mere “Mrs. ‘someone’”; It has a place and respect for a woman who has an identity of her OWN!
Be brave, be confident! Whole world is out there for you to support- but it is you who has to take the first step. There is a saying, ‘There comes a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom’.
By: Archa Dave
